The Zen of Sarcasm

I hope you'll enjoy these my sweet Bloggy friends,
You'll notice the ones I need to pay attention to.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. (That's one way to get a new pair of shoes) Hahaha!!
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

There's More I Don't Get...And A Few I Do
I don't get how a teenager can hear their cell phone ring downstairs even with their music shaking the house. But they can not hear you if you call their name.

Why do kids send text messages to their brothers that say :Get me some toilet paper. They get mad when there is no response. My opinion is check before you start.

I don't get why my husband doesn't get me.......
I don't get why we know the way but we keep falling off the path........
I don't get why we question God's love for us when it is right there in front of us..........
I don't get why 5th grade boys continue to harass my 5th grade girl.............
I don't get NAIR, does it really work?
I don't get why politics has to be so nuts and shady.............
I don't get why people can't focus more on the good than the bad.........
I don't get why the media has to twist everything..........
I don't get all those diets out there.....................

Girlfriends, These are great!!!

I'm right there with you on most of them.

But I will have to confess that I DO GET a few...

Watching NASCAR on TV; I've never been to an actual race even though I leave in the NASCAR state. Yes, I confess that I enjoy a few minutes of cars chasing each other as they go around a track at speeds in excess of 150 miles per hour and the strength of the pit crews as they change 4 tires, fill the tank with gas, clean the windshield and any debris from the front of the car all in 15 seconds or less.

I know, I know all of this makes me a Redneck Princess...Yee Haw!!!

The joy of Cooking; I so get this one. I just don't get "The Joy of Cleaning" Hey, is anyone willing to trade? I'll cook if you'll clean!

I so get using NAIR or other similar products. They do work and the results last longer than shaving without the pricklies.

Okay friends, fess up. Which ones do you get? Please enlighten us.

The List is Growing
I don't get teacher's who give deadline's for school projects and then give countless extensions for those who don't get the assignment completed on time. What is that teaching the students?

I don't get bungee jumping. Why would anyone WANT to purposefully attach themselves to the end of a rope and plunge hundreds of feet? Not me!

I don't get "Polar Bear Swims". (Is that just a Canadian thing?) Why anyone would jump into freezing cold lake water in the middle of winter is beyond me.

I don't get macrame or ceramics. (Sorry to all of you who enjoy creating these crafts.)

I don't get reading the end of a book first. Doesn't that take away the surprise? What's the incentive to keep reading?

I don't get articles written on the "Joy of Cooking". You mean to tell me you can actually have fun in the kitchen?

I don't get "Mr. Clean". Stop and think about it a minute. Who's scrubbing the bathrooms in your home?

Here's what I don't get -A child has ADHD and you provide education and parents, especially to the parents and yet they continue to complain that there child keeps forgetting or can't remember. Even worse, expects the child to remember to take the medication!

How come parents expect teachers to give into their demands even though it is going against policy or that their child just needs to learn there are consequences for their behavior or lack of.

I don't get why people would like to go to the beach naked...what is up with that?

I don't get why people do not stop at red lights...they zoom through.oh and there is that bungee jumping thing...I really don't get that

I have to agree about the underwear.

I am totally with you on the thong thing. Although I have a friend who says the three rule. Wear for three days straight and you'll never go back to the regular.

I don't get it why people think it is fun to sit and watch a car go in a circle really fast and pay money to do so.

I don't get it when 2 socks go into the dryer and only one comes out.

These are great, I hope you'll continue to add to the list
Happy Weekend my non thong wearing, sock missing, not ever bungee jumping friends,

I Don't Get It
Hey Bloggy Friends,

I was out running errands this morning and heard someone on the radio talking about their I Don't Get It list and that got me to thinking about starting my own I Don't Get It list.
Here are just a few to kick things off.
I Don't Get...
Thong underwear (Sorry if you're offended as I mention underwear)
I just don't get it. I mean who wants something stuck in an uncomfortable place all day?
My friends who wear them LOVE them and say I just haven't tried the right brand.
Sorry girls... I just don't get it!
I Don't Get...
Wall to wall carpet (Although my house is full of it, unfortunately)
Hardwood floors or tile floors last 5 times longer and are easier to clean. Besides that you can bind a carpet remnant use as a rug until it's worn out or full of stains then throw it out or recycle it.
I Don't Get...
A lot of things.

I'd love to hear your I Don't Get It list.
Let's see how many different ones we have and how many we have in common

I Can't Believe I Did That Part 2
Good Morning Friends,

Thanks for your "I can't believe I did that" stories. I have so many I could dedicate an entire blog to them HA!!
It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who has a hard time being human!

As soon as I arrived at the office yesterday morning did go to my boss and to the Counselor of the client I referred to in yesterday's post and confess that I had hung up on them.
Both were very gracious and understood that I shouldn't be spoken to as this client had. Thank you Lord!!!!!
Hey, check out our website. Dr. Russ put it together and it's really cool.

While I'm off the hook this time all of this did give me an opportunity to learn a lesson
Yes, it can be frustrating dealing with angry people, but I need to be sure I'm not adding fuel to their fire with my responses.
So here's today's question...
What lesson(s) did you learn from your " I can't believe I did that moments?

Thanks for sharing friends, I hope you will continue to post your stories.

I can't believe I did that!
Good Morning Sweet Friends,

For those of you who don't know it I'm a receptionist 4 days a week for 2 different Dr's offices in addition to my writing/speaking for Proverbs 31 and I love all of my jobs (most of the time)

Yesterday a client called to schedule an appointment and was quite upset over a particular issue. When I didn't give them the answer they wanted they became very angry.
After this person had repeated "I'm never returning to your office" four times and then proceeded to be rude in their comments I said "Okay, I think we're done" and I hung up the phone.
In case you missed that, I hung up on a client!
Yikes! Not Good!!!!
I can't believe I did that!

Of course this person called back and wanted to speak to my boss, the office manager. My boss was unavailable at the time so I took the person's phone number and said I would give my boss the message.

So... today I must face the music, I will go in early to explain my actions and own up to my behavior.

What about you? What are some of your "I can't believe I did that" moments?
Some days it's hard to be human.

My Friend Kim
Good Morning Bloggy Friends,

Well, the roots have been done and my tresses have been shaped.
Thank goodness I don't have to perform hair magic every morning just to cover the greys. Well... at least for a few weeks anyway.
The weekend is done and we're back to work today.
I'll see my sweet friend Kim Vail today.
Kim and her husband took their first born Heather to college last week.
I can't wait to hear all the details.
For those of you yet to deliver your first born to college, let me just say it is a bitter sweet experience!!
Check out Kim's blog to see what I mean

I can remember taking both our sons to college, unloading, unpacking and setting up their dorm rooms.
I'm sure it's a lot more fun doing all of that with a girl.
Boys could care less if the bedspread coordinates with the towels or tooth brush holder (Poor dears).

So... I'm off to work to hear all about the exciting and emotional days for my sweet friend.

I'd love to hear your stories of those exciting and emotional days.
Please share...

Get your Roots Done!
Goody Morning My Bloggy Friends,

Do you remember the scene from the movie "Steel Magnolias" when Weezer tells Clarie to get her roots done?
Well girlfriends I am soooooo there!!
It's been more than 10 weeks since I had my hair cut and colored by the magnificent Cindy Russell and tomorrow's the day to change all that!!
I've tried the Nice and Easy root cover-up (works really well but take more than 10 minutes as advertised), dark brown mascara and even a little dark brown eye shadow.
Take it from me friends, you should stick with the professional $7.00 touch-up kit.

The mascara runs down your face when you have a hot flash. I have about 15 hot flashes a day and it's not a pretty sight to mop the brown ooze from your forehead. The brown eye shadow trick made me look like I had brown dandruff and I don't even have regular dandruff!
I've tried combing, teasing and rearranging my hair one hundred ways to cover those ugly greys.
Hip hip hurray! Today will be the last of day of hair manipulation and contortion (at least for a few weeks).
I feel like a hair gymnast with all the twisting, teasing and turning.
Trust me I'm not going to win any medal for this!

What are some of your emergency beauty tips or mishaps!!!
Please share

Real 911 Calls
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .

Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a
bite out of it.

Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and

tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an
eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
The winner of the dumbest crook is....

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.

Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
Caller: Running from the Police.

I thought I'd lift the mood a bit with a little funny.

In and out of "The Clouds"
Hey Bloggy Friends,

Sorry I haven't posted sine last week. Getting back into the rhythm of work and "normal" lives took everything out of me last week and I found myself lapsing in and out of "The Clouds". That's what Tom and I refer to as a "down day". Most of the week was fine and I did mange to keep it together while at work but there were a few days when I cried for no reason at all.
I felt like a dark rain cloud was following me around and raining down huge drops of grief and sadness.

The worse day by far was Saturday, the white bench I had rescued from someones garbage 3/1/2 years ago and literally drug 2 miles to my house fell apart. I was painting that bench in order to plant a garden in the seat the day my dad suffered his stroke. Poor Tom, here he was in the front yard trying to repair this old, dilapidated, rotten, worn out old bench while I stood there with tears streaming down my face. Poor dear, he had no idea what to say or do. He just stood there and let me bury my head in dirty work shirt. I'm sure he was praying, "Oh Lord, tell me what to do to help my beloved bride." or maybe it was more like "Help me Jesus! I have no idea what to do or say!" Poor dear! He's so level headed and always on an even keel and I am a woman of many emotions (sometimes in the same hour).

Anyway... today is a new day the beginning of a new week.
I know the reality of my dad's death and the new body he now enjoys as he dances with our sweet Jesus, but grief is a long and sometimes messy process.
So I thank you in advance for bearing with me as I walk through the grief of 3 huge losses in 7 months (My beloved mother-in-law Catherine in January, our beloved dog Max in April and my daddy June 29).
For those of you who have walked or are walking this road of grief perhaps you have some encouraging words to share. I'm sure we could all use to help us as we are in and out of "The Clouds".
Thanks for sharing!!

Vacation is Over
Hey Sweet Bloggy Friends,

Alas, our week at Sunset Beach, NC has come to an end. I'm washing the last few loads of laundry and getting things ready for our back to work schedule..

To end our vacation on a high note we put the unpacking and laundry on hold long enough to have dinner with our sons Joseph and Josh and Josh's girlfriend Kelsey who is visiting from Baltimore, MD.

It's back to business and back on track with my healthy fitness lifestyle. Okay, I did walk and play in the waves everyday but I also enjoyed my share of fried seafood, hush puppies, low fat chips, cheezs-its get the picture.

My workouts begin again tomorrow night. Arrrrrr!!!!

What are you doing to celebrate the last few days of summer vacation?

Too Much Sun
WARNING Sweet Bloggy Friends,
This is what happens when you get too much sun and have tons of fun!!

Llisa and Mallory

Mallory tries to teach Nona (me) Japanese


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